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Fun with the English language:

Have you ever wondered????
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
* Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
* If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
* If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
* Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
* Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
* Why are they called “tug” boats? Aren’t they really “push” boats?
* Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
* Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
* Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
* Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
* Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
* Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
* Why is “phonics” not spelled “fonix”?
* Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
* Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
* Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
* Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
* Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
* What’s another word for “synonym”?
* Is there another word for “thesaurus”?
* Would a fly that injured its wings be called a “walk?”
* If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
* If women can give birth to triplets and quadruplets, why not singlets and doublets?
* Is Atheism a non-prophet organization?
* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where is the Self-Help section?” She wouldn’t answer me.
* Why don’t you ever see the headline, “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
* If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn’t they call you before you called them?
* Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
* Why are they called “apartments” when they are all stuck together? Aren’t they really “compartments”?
* If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
* Why are there “interstate” highways in Hawaii?
* Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
* Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
* If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make the pan stick to Teflon?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car it’s called a “shipment,” but when you transport something by ship it’s called “cargo”?
* Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
* Why do noses run and feet smell?
* Why is there an expiration date on sour cream containers?
* Why call it a “building” if construction is complete? Shouldn’t it be called a “built”?
* What do sheep count when they can’t get to sleep?
* Why is it that misdialied phone numbers are never busy?
* What was the best thing before sliced bread?
* Why do we call it a “hot water heater”? Isn’t it a “cold water heater”?
* Is the color orange called that because it’s the color of the fruit of the same name, or was the fruit called orange because that’s its color? Which came first, the color or the fruit?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
* After amphibians eat, do they have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
* How can there be self-help “groups”?
* It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
* What do Styrofoam manufacturers pack that stuff in for shipment?
* Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
* When two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a “near miss”? Isn’t it a “near hit”?
* When sign makers go on strike, are their protest signs blank?
* If you try to fail, and then succeed, which one have you done?
* Why does “monosyllabic” contain five syllables?
* If you wear an antenna to a wedding, is the reception better?
* If you were “scared half to death” twice, would you be 75% dead or 100% dead?
* If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
* If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
* What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
* If ATM stands for “Automatic Teller Machine,” why do we call it an ATM machine? And if PIN stands for “Personal Identification Number,” why do we call it a PIN number?
* Why do “flammable” and “inflammable” mean the same thing?
* What is the speed of dark?
* Why is it that rain “drops” but snow “falls”?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
* What happens to the tread that wears off tires?
* Are Santa’s helpers called Subordinate Clauses?
* If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
* Why do you never hear about gruntled employees?
* What would the speed of lightning be if it didn’t zigzag?
* If a book about failures doesn’t sell well, is it a success?
* When dogs bark for hours on end, why don’t they ever get Laryngitis?
* Why do superficial paper cuts hurt more than grosser cuts?
* The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* Why do engineers call it “research” when they’re searching for something new?
* If quitters never win and winners never quit, why should you “quit while you’re ahead?”
* When you pick something up so your hands are full, why does a place on your face start to itch?
* A bus station is where a bus stops; a train station is where a train stops. What occurs at a desk with a work station?
* Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
* Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
* How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
* If Superman is so smart, why does he wear his underpants over his pants?
* Why does Mickey Mouse wear pants and no shirt while Donald Duck wears a shirt and no pants?
* How is it possible to have a civil war?
* How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?
* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
* When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
* Why do they call it the “Department of Interior” when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
* Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
* If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, does it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
* Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
* If a rabbit’s foot was actually lucky, wouldn’t it still be attached to the rabbit’s leg?
* Why is a whole pizza round, then cut into triangles and placed in a square box?
* Why are boxing rings square?
* Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up about every two hours?
* Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
* Why do they call it baby-sitting when all you do is run after them?
* Whatever happened to Preparation A through G?
* Why is it called a “word to the wise?” If they’re already wise, why do they need to hear it?
* What happened to 1up, 2up, 3up, 4up, 5up, and 6up?
* Why do we call it a hamburger when it is made of beef?
* What disease did cured ham actually have?
* Why aren’t there any B batteries?
* Why are they called “stairs” inside but “steps” outside?
* When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make you a vacuum cleaner?
* Why do buffalo wings come from a chicken?
* Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple?
* Why are there no grapes or nuts in Grapenuts cereal?
* How do “Keep off the grass” signs get where they are?
* What do people in China call their good plates?
* Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
* What’s the difference between “null” and “void”?
* You can be “overwhelmed” and “underwhelmed,” but why can’t you simply be “whelmed”?
* How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
* Why do they call it a “Free Gift”? Doesn’t “gift” mean free?
* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at
her. She
immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again.. The man seemed
more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

 

 

The case came up in court.

 

 

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

 

 

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when
the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The
Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to
smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'

 

 

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

 

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it
on to someone else!!

 

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2 hours ago, Ferret said:

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at
her. She
immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again.. The man seemed
more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

 

 

The case came up in court.

 

 

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

 

 

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when
the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The
Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to
smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'

 

 

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

 

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it
on to someone else!!

 

Too effen funny!!!!!!!!!

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