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What is customary in Mexico when there is a death in the family.


J.Miller

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The Mother of a friend has recently died. Although I did not know the Mother I would like to be suppotive of her family and offer my condolences. I am wondering what is a customary acknowledgement or offering of sympathy in Mexico. I was thinking of having a memorial tree planted in Ontario, Canada at a wetlands reserve in memory of the mother but maybe there is something similar Lakeside that would have more meaning for the family.

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In my experience, when a neighbor has died, the family has 9 days/evenings to read the Novena and Rosary. It usually takes place at the person's home and friends and family show up around 7 pm to give support.

Other friends/family/neighbors bring drinks/disposables/cookies/finger sandwiches, etc. to provide sustenance to the visitors. I usually take things about 5 pm so they can have it ready when their guests arrive.

Hope this helps and sorry for your friend's loss.

Valerie :)

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You don't say if this mother and family is Mexican. It they are Mexican the first thing they need at time of a death is money to pay for the funeral. Take a card with the cash to the friend at the home in the evening when they are there reading and saying the rosary. Make sure the friend gets it and that it is not just laid around to vanish.

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Our cook advised that on the night of the death when everyone gathers for the all night vigil it is appropriate to take a kilo of coffee and a bottle of tequila. One to help stay awake all night and the other to help with the pain of loss. We did this on occasion and it was much appreciated.

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Please forget the tree idea, which would mean nothing to a Mexican family in need of immediate support, as described above. Even the gift of a kilo of coffee would help keep mourners awake through the vigil and funeral, which happens the next day, and the continued family gatherings. Flowers, before the funeral, are always appropriate, as is your presence that day in support of your surviving friend.

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My friend and her family are Mexican and I am not sure that money would be necessary in this instance. Also, though we have been friends for a few years, I do not know many intimate details about her life as we started out business associates and a friendship has developed over the years. I cannot go to her family's home as it is Guadalajara to an address unknown to me, but nevertheless I would like to pay my respects appropriately even if it a donation to Alzheimer's or some other worthy cause.

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You are missing the point that impersonal donations are not appropriate. If you want to show your condolences, re-read the suggestions above. Getting to Guadalajara is not difficult and I am sure you could learn the address, if you truly wanted to.

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RVGRINGO and others are 100% right. Donations in her name, tree-planting, etc, are definitely not appropriate.

A funeral arrangement of cut flowers (taken to the house), Mass cards in her name from any parish if the family is Catholic, and your personal más sentido pésame (condolences) are the correct expressions of sorrow for the family's loss. If you have the family's home address in Guadalajara, take the bus to the old bus station downtown and a cab to the house. Bring the flowers with you, bring a sympathy card, but most important: bring yourself.

If you feel uncomfortable doing it, get over it: this is not about you, it is about the deceased and her family--and most especially it is about your friend who lost her mother. A show of solidarity in the face of irremediable loss is your most important gift to the family and it is what will be remembered most.

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Thank you again but if you re-read my post #7 you will see that I do not have an address and Guadalajara is a big city. My dealing have always been in person, in Chapala, or via e-mail. Again, I have never met my friends family and do not have a last name although I do like the suggestion of a mass card as I believe that they are Catholic, but I am not sure of that either. All I want to do is express my sympathies and certainly if I knew more about the family or had any idea where they live I would be happy to "get over it"; I have no problem recognizing that it is not about me. I am trying to understand the custom and do the right thing.

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I'm sorry, I misunderstood your post and believed that you had the address but did not know how to get there--hence my suggestion about the cab.

Several of us here have given you good suggestions about what is customary. I believe that your heart is in the right place, but sometimes the head lags behind in truly believing that customs here are different from customs in your country of origin.

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You have been told what is the right thing to do. If you cannot ask the woman outright perhaps one of your or her colleagues from where you know her will have some details. If that doesn't work be prepared with your condolences and mass cards for the next time you see her.

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Thank your mexpat06.

If it were my mother I would know what to expect from friends and acquaintances and I would be grateful for to those who would even send a card to acknowledge the passing, which I have done via e-mail.

I do believe that my heart is in the right place and I do not think that I am "missing the point". It is just a difficult situation as I have known this woman for about three years and our business relationship is somewhat closer then the norm. I have been aware of her mother's long illness and I have very much admired the care that her children have taken of her and I simply wanted to acknowledge their loss in an appropriate manner. Maybe I should have asked more questions but over the years I have sympathised (my own mother is not well) and I have listened without prying which I believe puts me at a bit of a disadvantage and due due to my inadequacy with the Spanish language I have been unable to discover via her colleagues what I might be able to offer in the way of emotional support, though I have tried.

My thoughts of a memorial or a donation are apparently not appropriate but I certainly meant no disrespect which is exactly why I posed the question to this bord in the first place. I guess I am glad that I asked before doing something inappropriate. The only thing that I know for sure is that I am probably best following my own insticncts as human kindness likely has many acceptable faces that will be appreciated..

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What may be acceptable and much appreciated in one culture (under a variety of circumstances) is at best misunderstood and at worst offensive in another. Following one's own instincts--those instincts which come from your own culture and frame of reference--is often not appropriate when you are dealing with a frame of reference and a set of social norms in another culture. I don't say this to belittle you, your beliefs, your culture, or your instincts, but to remind you that your first and best instinct was to ask on this web board what to do. We've given you some suggestions. What you do now is of course entirely up to you.

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