Sex, Money And Spam
By Sandy Olson
Today I want to talk to you about spam. Not that pink mystery meat in the can, but what’s in your computer’s junk mail folder. I know it’s hard to get excited about spam. But I’m going to invite you to skip over most of it and consider possibilities for adventure and prosperity and yes, even love. Maybe you’ll want to hold off for a moment before clicking that “Delete” button.
To be sure, the spam people don’t know how hip, slick and cool we are. They don’t know about our adventurous hearts, that we came all the way down here to live in Mexico, how we fought off drug cartel thugs and crooked Federales to get to beautiful Lake Chapala.
Some of them think that we’re homeowners in a town like Bent Stump, Arkansas, hunched in front of a computer while our singlewide trailer crumbles around us. That they could get us excited about solar panels, that our hearts would race at the thought of aluminum replacement windows. And garden hoses! Reverse mortgages!
They worry needlessly about our age and health. They think we need shoring up too. Never mind that bold navigation of our cobblestones and that fearless forging ahead on a green light. “Is a walk-in bath rub right for you?” they ask kindly.
Some of us don’t need Depends just yet, but ladies, here’s your chance to get in on that mesh patch lawsuit. While you wait to hear about the huge settlement you can order one powerful nutrient to kill that cellulite. Or reduce those dark under eye circles and bags with a new cream. Men, you aren’t left out. You can shed that belly fat with a miracle pill.
Speaking of pills, then there’s sex. We know about those little blue pills but now there’s more good news for you men out there. Penile enlargement is in the wind, so to speak. Add inches! And length (somehow)! And love will surely follow! Just how does all that work? Click on the link and maybe you’ll find out.
You’ll meet real people for real fun! That little dickens Michelle promises us—and I don’t think she cares about our gender-- hot satisfying cougar sex with no strings, just a quick hookup. She claims that “Extremely slutty ladies are out there, with none of the inhibition that we see in younger women.”
We haven’t heard from Ava for a while. She’s probably busy somewhere with her three-way dates. Ekaterina Kirichenko is new on the spam scene, and she’ll initiate you into her dark Russian mysteries.
But if you’re starting to get interested in these offers, it’s best to ignore some of the other spam messages. They’re sure to shrivel your interest, so to speak, in Michelle or Ava or Ekaterina or anyone else.
There’s that twinge of fear with those urgent messages from Chase Bank, or Wells Fargo, or PayPal. Ominously, “Access suspended due to changes in your account activity.” Never mind we don’t have accounts at any of those places. And that stern notice to appear in court in Chicago or Atlanta, even if we’ve never been there. Curb that anxiety! Delete!
Often news comes to us from our brothers and sisters in Africa. Sadly, there many who need our help, mostly starving Christian widows. But other messages delight with the good news of an “inheritance” or “found money” in a neglected bank account, mainly in Nigeria. Maybe we can help those Africans get organized. If we respond, can we instruct them to just give the money to the widows? Shall we click on the link?
Recently I got an enchanting message from the Ivory Coast, from Fr. Johncan, of the More Holy Diocese of Abidjan, St. Bernadette of Marcory Mothers Institute. There is a windfall waiting for me at a Western Union office near the Bus Stop Restaurant on Ring Road, Central Accra, Ghana.
I am excited about this. The very location opens up possibilities. Maybe I’ll even go there. I’m going to click on that link as soon as I get home today.
But if later you get this: “Your friend Sandy is stranded in Ghana, please send money.” Don’t delete! Send the money!