Why Can’t Congress Be More Like A Dog?

By Maggie Van Ostrand



Pretty nearly everybody, including cat lovers, know what dogs are like. They greet each other by circling, touching noses, and generally giving each other the once-over until they’re satisfied with what they find and have enough information to decide whether to play together or keep on walking.

Why can’t politicians be more like a dog? Wouldn’t it better serve all countries if, when politicians meet other politicians, they’d do the same things dogs do?

We can’t count those congressmen from the Democratic Party who call themselves Blue Dogs. That’s just Washington spin. What are we, stupid? If they were real blue dogs, they’d be a painting by George Rodrigue, or have their faces on greeting cards, or have their picture hanging in a Cajun café in Louisiana.

A real dog communicates by wagging, barking, or snarling, and you pretty much know exactly what they mean. Unlike the U.S. Congress, in the entire history of the world, there has never been a hypocritical dog. However, there have been congressmen and women who must think they are a dog because they keep on digging holes for themselves.

When a dog sniffs fire hydrants, telephone poles and trees, he’s reading messages. He knows who’s been there before him, he knows how tall they were, and he knows what they had for dinner. This certainly beats reading autobiographies by politicians when the book is really written by someone else, or having dinner with one and wondering how much such a fancy meal is costing the taxpayer, or even sticking a foot under the partition to somebody else’s bathroom stall to impart a wordless message. A dog may be lower on the food chain than a human, but no dog has ever done anything so covert.

There is honor among dogs, and dogs have ethics, whereas Congress, as a whole, is an ethical midget.

In order to socialize our politicians the way we socialize our dogs, they should attend Obedience Class and master a few commands:

SIT, STAY: This one is just for a South Carolina Republican Senator, who flew to Honduras to interfere in their politics, specifically against U.S. government policy.

OFF: Leave that woman alone, you’ve got a wife at home!

HEEL: No need to teach Congress about heel; many have already earned that title.

FETCH: Does not refer to lobbyist dollars in your own bank account.

BEG: Unless you plan on losing the next election, either sit up and beg or quit obstructing progress, and work for your constituents.

DOWN: This means getting off your high horse. It does not refer to a pillow under the head of your Argentine tango partner.

Congress will not graduate from Obedience School unless they first figure out that butt sniffing and ass-kissing are not the same thing.

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