UNDERWEAR—More Than You Ever  Wanted to Know

By Chuck Poulsen

Underwear

My Christmas stocking from my daughter last year contained a pair of SAXX underwear. That’s S - A  - X - X, printed in big letters across the waist band. The price was also printed in large type on the box, like a secondary brand that might have said: SAXX is not sold in WalMart, or even in a store from which you can see a WalMart. The SAXX cost $35 a pair, about $31 more than most men pay for the dowdy but fully functional Fruit of the Loom.

SAXX are a designer combination of briefs and boxers. Mine came with an abstract checkerboard pattern and a breakthrough, ergonomic pouch to support what men, in our more refined moments, refer to as --- “our junk.” Everything looked good until I made my first visit to the bathroom. That’s when I discovered my SAXX didn’t have a fly, and therefore I couldn’t easily access my junk.

There is no way for a SAXX man to do his business, other than to sit down. Yes, sitting down and, of course, remembering to put the lid down afterward. And then--- maybe go for a pedicure.

Boxers or briefs? An age -old question. It’s even the name of a rock group.
Archaeologists found the remains of loincloth made of leather dating back 7,000 years. Men are said to have worn loose-fitting loincloths in ancient Greece and Rome --- but that was before elastic was invented.

By the time of the Renaissance, the underwear was fitted with a front flap that was buttoned closed. This flap was called a “codpiece” and it was sometimes used as a pocket for holding coins. Why would a man keep money in his underwear? --- Oh, okay. Men can now join the Underwear of the Month Club, with regular delivery for men who apparently don’t know how to load a washing machine. The club says it will “search the globe to expertly curate your underwear drawer.” Oh, boy.”

There is a website devoted to what kind of underwear the famous prefer.
From that site, the following is revealed: Alex Baldwin and Justin Timberlake like boxers. So do Will Smith and Denzel Washington, so you know that choice of underwear does cross racial lines. Donald Trump wears boxers. Trust me, no need for a picture.  Anderson Cooper also wears boxers, so you know that underwear also crosses political lines. Bill Clinton wears briefs, but that’s not one of the reasons Hilary lost. Yet, Brad Pitt likes briefs, but wore boxers to appease his ex-wife Jennifer Anniston during their marriage. I don’t think even Jennifer is worth that sacrifice, so let me add: “C’mon Brad, grow a pair.”

We already know from the movie Risky Business that Tom Cruise wears briefs, but so does Matt Damon, even on Mars. John Travolta wears bikini briefs - - - I’ll never look at him the same way again. Matthew McConnaughey likes to go without underwear, known as the “commando” look - - - for those willing to risk everything. Briefs outnumber boxers about 3-1. However, millennials are heavily trending toward boxer-brief combos that look like swimming trunks, for those who can’t make up their mind, aside from boldly demanding soy milk in their lattes.

The most expensive pair of underwear I found are the Zimmerli Royal Classic Briefs at $65 a pair. Not good enough for Prince William or Prince Harry, who wear boxers, as do many dour white men of old money. Homer Simpson, bless him, wears jockeys, which are otherwise known as “tighty whities.”

I sent a thank you note to my daughter for the gift.

Dear daughter,

Much appreciation for my pair of SAXX. I have used a scissors to cut a vertical slit in my SAXX, to the right of the pouch, just like a normal underwear fly. This has put me back on my feet again.

 

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