Dear Portia

Advice to the Lovelorn, the Drastically Distracted and the Deeply Disgruntled

Dear Portia,

With the Ho HoHoHo of the Holidays upon us, I want to know if sex toys are an appropriate gift for elderly friends. I have seen some hilarious ones that should be useful on so many levels! May I splurge??

Gifter

Dear Gifter,

I extol your exuberance, admire your adventurousness and hail your humorous impulse. One word of caution though. Might your gifts be interpreted as overtures? Are you ready for that? On the other hand, maybe that’s what you meant in the first place. Having a natural proclivity for the absurd, and knowing that you have no control over the way others may react, I suggest full steam ahead. Worst case scenario, you will add to the stash of re-gifting items your friends have gathered, and they never talk to you again. Still, there’s every chance that your New Year will vibrate with new and interesting energies.

Dear Portia,

I went to a local church to see a movie, and was approached by a lady who asked me to join the organization. She told me I would have to attend weekly worship, regular luncheons and go on outings twice a month. It’s a nice place, but I really don’t want to put all my excess capital in one basket. What to do?

Basket Case

Dear Basket Case,

Like any small business, churches depend on return customers, preferably big spending ones. While a retailer is dependent on customer satisfaction and good will to attract participants, some organizations seem more coercive. No worries! They may not even notice your lack of participation. Also, in a community of elders, you can posit various abstruse health limitations that would preclude your total immersion. Or rather than letting fear guide you, jump in with both feet, be your sullen judgmental self, and you’ll probably be sidelined before you know it. In the meantime you will have met a variety of strangely wonderful people, and maybe you’ll see movies and have popcorn at the same time. ‘Tis the Season…

Dear Readers: Portia’s email is This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Please gift her your knarliest problems. She’ll have the best New Year ever!