I Hate Hate!
By Tom Nussbaum
I hate hate. I hate the emotion. I hate the word. In fact, I never feel hate or say the word aloud or use i tin writing. Ever. That is because hate is negative, destructive, immature, crippling, and unhealthy. Therefore, I have made a point to eradicate hate from my life. When faced with something I do not like or that irritates the bejesus out of me, I choose, instead, to detest it, abhor it, or loathe it. It is much healthier and mature that way. But I would never hate it. That would be wrong.
The following are five things I detest, abhor, loathe, but don’t, hate:
1. The fact that neither Glenn Close nor Johnny Depp has received an Oscar. Just what do they have to do to win an Academy Award? Play each other in a film set at the Oscars in which they lose to Oprah Winfrey as Juliet and Justin Bieber as King Lear?
2. The overuse of the words “like,” “love,” “sexy,” and the phrase “I mean.” We all know young people have like been saying “like” for decades. It is like an obsession. “Love,” is overused by everybody. Do we really love Aunt Mildred’s chocolate chip cookies, Honda’s new blue color, or Justin Bieber’s latest video? If I had a nickel for every time “sexy” is used incorrectly to describe a celebrity at a red carpet event when the adjective is glamorous, striking, beautiful, handsome, or stunning, I could buy a sexy new blue Honda. I mean I just love them. And, finally, just how many times do we need to hear an interviewee begin an answer to a question with “I mean?” “I mean” is a clarifying phrase; you need to say something first before explaining it.“What do you think of Justin Bieber’s new video?” “I mean it is like so sexy. I like love the blue hoodie he wears in it. It is like the color of those sexy Hondas.”
3. Sit-com laugh tracks and “Applause” signs in live TV studio audiences. Could anything be phonier? No. Could anything be more insulting to our intelligence? Well, yes. Political campaigning.
4. Tattoos and stubble beards. Just because permanent ink stains and perpetual four-day growth are trendy and in style, it does not make them flattering to most men. Especially when trying to look nice in a tuxedo, suit and tie, Speedo, or a sexy new blue Honda Civic. I mean they like distract from the man’s natural strong features. “Like where did you get those incredible eyes? I mean they are like the color of The Biebs’ hoodie, which is like those sexy, new blue Hondas.” And where did these “styles” come from anyway? It is a cliché, I know, but when I was a kid the only people who had tattoos were drunken sailors, circus freaks, and people from the wrong side of the tracks. Today, though, everyone has them. Even respected, admired, intelligent people like Justin Bieber.
5. Cable TV. There are many reasons we need, use, and should appreciate Cable TV. However, for decades now, to fill the countless cable networks air time, we have been subjugated to fluff-filled, confrontational, ratings-driven 24-hour news networks that don’t have 24 hours’ worth of news; half-hour long infomercials; “reality TV;” and constant repeats of the handful of mindless two-star movies that we purposely skipped when they ran in theaters, none of which starred Glenn Close or Johnny Depp. Cable TV could be a perfect example of less is more. Of course, I would not complain if we had a 24-hour All Sexy New Blue Honda Infomercial Network. I mean I like love them.
I also ha…I mean despise when people mispronounce my name. I’ve dealt with this all my life and still do. Constantly. It isn’t that difficult to say correctly. Really. Look at this column’s by-line. Now, say it aloud. It’s pronounced Tom. I mean it is like really sexy.