The Fairly Tragic Story of “Bjorn Bjork”
By John Ward
Bjorn Bjork was born in 1866 and had become known as his country’s most revered author, and with books like: I am Unhappy Snow, My Favorite Color is Clear and I Will Not Hang Myself Today amongst others, Bjorn Bjork showed the world that not all his countrymen were humorless and dull.
Because of his countrymen’s natural abhorrence of anything pleasurable, Bjorn’s mother had only one child and that was still-born. Carl Jung later speculated that it was this experience that made her more nurturing than the average mother. In fact, at a civil trial brought by a neighbor who thought Bjorn had chuckled at him, housemaid Brunshooeh Quagmire testified in court that Bjorn’s mother touched him on the head twice; once when he was deathly ill and once by mistake when she thought he was the family pet.
Growing up in Oulu was not easy for Bjorn and after an unrequited love affair with a disoriented “Lap” dancer - from Lapland, Bjorn spent several years in a small, but charming asylum. He was sent to Iceland because his depression had caused him to run through the streets of Oulu lifting women’s skirts and whistling his National Anthem, Maamme, to their exposed nether regions.
After a brief twelve years of electroshock therapy, Bjorn was released and began writing of his experiences, but found that his countrymen could not have cared less about Iceland. As a result many of his works about that country have been lost, but a few still remain. Written in hieroglyphics (a side effect of the electroshock therapy) with a #2 pencil, these works are archived in the Snoolerpop Institute in Reykjavik and, we are told, will never see the light of day.
Bjorn Bjork’s writing influenced many writers of the day. Cantaloupe Gustavansenson credits his Elegy on Country Snow to Bjork and allows that his famous Scandinavian Saga called: The Famous Scandinavian Saga was heavily influenced by Bjork’s popular children’s book, How a Wolf Will Eat Your Face. His next book My Rush at a Wall was written so enigmatically as to be incomprehensible to most, but became Bjork’s best seller because almost every one of his countrymen bought the book, thinking it would impress visiting company. I myself have a copy of Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake on my mantel for just such a purpose.
For several years after, it seemed nobody was interested in Bjork’s writing; then, as if by some miracle Bjork’s father died from spontaneous combustion. Suddenly Oulu experienced two emotions at once – confusion and relief. People had never experienced a mix of emotions before, but sympathy fell on Bjorn Bjork just as he was completing his 47th work entitled My Father Will Live Forever – Damn It.
Bjorn Bjork was ecstatic and due to his new-found fame met a woman amongst the crowd of well-wishers. Wedding plans were soon in the air and after an appropriate period of time, seven years, the couple wed and as the wedding bell tolled and the minister said the final wedding phrase: “Now, if you really must, you may touch the bride’s sleeve,” a cheer broke from the crowd of well-wishers; only a single cheer because there is an exponential tax on any cheer exceeding one in that country.
It was at this time that Bjorn wrote, not his best work, but definitely his most romantic work. It was hailed as the most romantic book in his country for two entire days. Inspired by his marriage, Bjorn wrote the tome: I Never Knew What That Was For. The Bjork household would never know the thrilling sound of children running in terror, because, as a friend said: “He still doesn’t know what that is for!”
Bjork died peacefully while being driven to church. His carriage was being drawn by an inexperienced colt called Shoofie. The bridge ice caused Shoofie to slip and after a complete 360 degree skid, Shoofie dropped the cab onto the Oulujoki river ice below. Bjorn Bjork left his brain to his country on the surface ice of the Oulujoki. All agreed: that was exactly where he would be happiest.
