By Bill Franklin
It has been brought to my attention that Barack Obama was never born. I have this as actual evidence from conservatives. Conservatives are about the only people you can trust around here with important things like birthrights, rights, rights of birth and whether or not the born are really born or are just faking it. I know this cause I watch the Chris Mathew’s show. Chris means well but sometimes he just doesn’t get it. He stands for believing that people are sensible and can think. Then he gives us examples of the unthinking being insensible. Chris is confusing but he means well. Today I noticed that his show showed a group of people Chris referred to as wackos. Wackos are people that can look you in the eye and tell you you haven’t been born. When you produce your birth certificate as proof they say that can’t be proof because someone in the audience has a father who fought in the Pacific theatre. The daughter of that brave, fighting father wants her country back. Back to country means refusing to allow Barack’s birth. Oh Barack. Why did you have to be born in Hawaii on such foreign soil? Why couldn’t you have been born in Alaska which is so much more a part of where we can keep track of you? Sometimes conservatives get Hawaii mixed up with Kenya. Just because your BC says Hawaii, don’t expect people not to put two and two together and come up with Kenya. Conservatives are many things but completely wacko, stupid and beyond the pale they’re not, (so don’t test them).
Now every now and then there’s a congressman who needs votes. He even needs votes from wackos. So it pains said congressman to insist that Barack actually was born, does happen to be President, and that a good proportion of Americans are glad he’s alive and well and acting as if he were in fact very much the good leader of the free world. But that would be too simple. It doesn’t have the appeal of total unreality. So here is Barack’s truly true bio. Barack was born in Kenya to a black dude and a white chick and we have no idea what the hell she was doing there (or what she saw in him). Then Barack became a liberal for the express purpose of making sure the well- to- do weren’t any more . Then after a series of lies and big likeableness, he got himself elected President of the USA in spite of the fact he either wasn’t born or, if he was, was born in Kenya. This we big thinking conservatives, believe. Plus we believe we are sent by God to challenge everything a black dude in power says.
So I, as an objective viewer of afternoon TV, have formed an opinion of some of the right wing’s worst and dumbest. My opinion of them, apart from my penchant for thinking in terms of positive human potential, is that these people are the worst and the dumbest. In this I am of course assuming there isn’t a select group, hidden from our view, who are even dumber and worse. Because all we need to throw a wrench in the system is to show up with an ID and a credit card and have the processor deny your likeness. That happened to me one day. The nice lady said, “Show me your Id.” I did and she said that wasn’t me in the picture. I was flattered and then not. I tried to find that expression, that DMV type expression and replicate it. To no avail. It turns out I wasn’t me at all. I was some overweight, swollen impostor trying to rip the good person who bothered to have actual credit off for 4.95. So that’s how I had my identity stolen. Not by some hacker, but by someone who refused to believe that that gorgeous person in the picture could actually be dear, TV watching me.
So let the Chris Mathew’s show be a lesson to us all. In order to form a more perfect union we should bother to be born first and then get elected, in that order.