A Balloon In Cactus
Winner of U.S. Presidential Debate #1
By Marge Van Ostrand

     Assuming members of the ex pat community send in their Absentee Ballots in time to be counted in the U.S.A. November 2nd presidential election, and assuming most ex pat residents of Ajijic saw presidential debate #1 on their satellite dishes, you probably decided the winner as fast as I did.
     Who won the presidential debates? Easy. Laura Bush.
     What’s with Kerry’s wife’s hair? Like we’re supposed to think she can’t afford a decent cut? Like we’re supposed to regard her as one of us “folks?” That’s what her husband calls us. Yeah, right, like we’re supposed to think he really talks like that? Perhaps as he wind-surfs past us lowlifes languishing on land, he’ll yell out “How’re you folks doing? I’d like your folksy vote.”
     “As the widow of Pennsylvania senator and ketchup heir John Heinz, who died in 1991 when his plane collided with a helicopter,” reports Slate magazine, “she inherited around $500 million and responsibility for the billion dollar Heinz family endowment. When she married Kerry in 1995, her association with the two ambitious senators—(created) speculation that the fortune of the first might bankroll the presidential ambitions of the second—(not) your average workaday heiress.”
     When the Washington Post’s Mark Leibovich interviewed Heinz and Kerry and delivered a dishy take on their relationship, he insinuated that Heinz was still very much in love with her first husband and prone to walking all over the second. Leibovich noted that Heinz still referred to John Heinz as “my husband” and that his photo hung alongside Kerry’s in the hall. In conversation with Kerry, though, Heinz “snaps,” “raises her voice,” works up “a full head of rage.” In response, Kerry “fidgets,” “exhales a long, loud sigh,” and “tries to play down his wife’s agitation.”
     And Kerry thinks peace in Iraq’s the problem?
     Then you have Kerry’s first millionaire wife, Philadelphia heiress Julia Thorne, who nicknamed him “Pterodactyl.” Even before that, as a high school senior, Kerry dated Janet Auchincloss, Jackie Kennedy’s half sister. What, he couldn’t find a female “folk?” Ya hadda have millions just to get a date with this guy? Either that or you could build your own Kerry with a can of tan, a hank of hair, and a syringe of Botox as a capper.
     And the media wonders why, after all the efforts of the newly-acquired Clinton advisors have been heaped upon Kerry’s manicured head, women voters prefer President Bush?
     Compare Theresa’s wild and stringy “do” with the lovely locks and calm demeanor of the unflappable First Lady. Which one would best represent America at State dinners and the like?
     Doesn’t really matter who’s President, as long as Laura Bush remains First Lady.