GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go a long.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend:
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever

Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway..
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

But Most Of All, Remember!
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

Hey, cool! I hate getting old. I have hearing aids now and when the battery gets low they beep. I get confused and think it is my heart pacer battery. EEK!

THAT ONE GAVE ME A GOOD LAUGH!!!!

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

Will this work? What do the guys do? I imagine there's more to this one. Something including the knees perhaps.

@Eek...very funny honey!

The only danger is when jogging some can easily get black eyes.

Good ones Spencer!

What do older women have between their breasts that younger women don't ?
....................................
..............................................
................................................... their navel!

Love it, you guys!!! Thanks for the upbeat and clever posts. To me, humor is the most creative of all gifts we have to share with each other. Gracias!!

ROTFL!!!

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, “I can guess your age.”

The man doesn’t believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

“Pull down your pants,” she says.

He doesn’t understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, “You’re 84 years old.”

“That’s amazing,” the man says. “How did you know?”

“You told me yesterday.”

All the old geezers (as Lori calls them) at the local rest home are given Viagra before bed time every night. I keeps them from rolling out of bed and hurting themselves.

RV! I'm too saintly to think like that! That's terribly funny though but NO, I can't think about it! Then again the label does warn of possible side effects for up to 4 hours. Is that long enough to get a good nights rest? It should be that the 20 year old wife is at their side to keep them from falling off.

When I was young I carried a condom in my wallet - now I carry a hearing aid battery... AND I'm not kidding ! ! !

My husband carries a personal card in his wallet so he can find his way home.

Great posts and what a wonderful way to start the day . A smile a day keeps the wrinkles away .

Three old pilots are walking across the airfield....

first one says "windy today "
second one says " no, it's thursday....
third one says " I'm thirsty too, let's get a beer

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN.............

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

An older couple was sitting at a bar. The husband turns to his wife and says "see that poor old couple sitting down at the end of the bar, that is probably the way we are going to look in ten years." The wife replied "you do realize that is a mirror at the end of the bar don't you!

Golly gee, Lori. How do you know what the label says? But then, I can't see any wrinkles in your pretty photo.
I'm shocked!

You discover that the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about.

RV, It's announced on the tv commercials.

I was hoping the bra less thing worked but then again, I don't want a black eye so I have to weigh out the pro's and con's.

a new arrival , an old man, is pushed into the common room of the old folks home .....one of the ladies , spying fresh meat, runs up to him and while lifting her dress up over her head anounces "SUPER SEX SUPER SEX......after studing her for a second , he replies " I'll take the soup"

I've enjoyed this thread immensely. Well, you have to laugh or you'd cry 'cuz gettin' old just ain't for sissies.
So I thought I'd share the new one I discovered today at the Mega in Bucerias...

You know you're old when the hand dryer in the washroom makes your skin ripple up to your elbows.

To all of you guys who have added to this thread...THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROFLMAO! I am sitting here watching the heavy rain produced by good ole FAY, the tropical storm and it feels really good to be able to laugh at all this silliness.

we have some funnie pictures and would like to b able to post fo every ones enjoyment

While on a flight from New York ,
>
>the Stewardess was busy passing
>
>out peanuts and cokes to everyone.
>
>There were about sixteen flights < /I>
>
>lined up waiting to get clearance
>
>to take off.
>
>Then the other Stewardess got a
>
>message from the Pilot that the
>
>tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in
>
>line to take off, and to have
>
>everyone buckle up.
>
>Without thinking she just announced
>
>"Please buckle up, grab your drinks
>
>and hold your nuts, we're taking off!".
>
>No one saw her for the rest of the
>
>flight to Houston , and all the other
>
>Stewardesses were laughing
>
>all the way and so were half of
>
>the passengers.
>

Spaghetti:


A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One! night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said. "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it." he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

THIS BRINGS BACK MANY MEMORIES



OLDER THAN DIRT

My son asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were a kid?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was a kid,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called ' at home,'' I explained. 'Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'


By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford He called it a 'machine.'
The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4:00 am. every morning. On Saturday, I collected 42 cents from each of my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house after she died and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something . I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about . Ratings at the bottom.

1 Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. PF Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records and the little plastic disk you put in the hole to make it fit on the spindle of the record player.
15. S&H greenstamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulbs
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive In Movies (remember the heaters than hung on the window?)
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
26. Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
27. Ignition switches on the dashboard.
28. Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
29. Real ice boxes.
30. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
31. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
32. Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
33. American Bandstand
34. Teasing your hair with a toothbrush
35. Smoking in the movie theatre, grocery store, vesibule of the church -- pretty much everywhere


If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 =You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = You're probably starting to lie about your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're old enough for social security
If you remember more than that you are older than dirt.

This is a test:

Instructions:

Follow the instructions
DO NOT cheat.

Count every F in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...


What is your answer??

the correct answer is below... DO NOT CHEAT!!!



















If you counted 6 you are in fine shape... otherwise check with your doctor!

http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/5688/oldmotorki5

I just took the 'older than dirt' quiz .... and I AM older than dirt .... but oh the good memories

I just found out that a lot of our old favorite acts have put together a tour coming to a city near you soon. Here's the line-up with some of their best songs modified for our generation:

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

BeeGees - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash I Was Havin' A Flash

Johnny Nash - I Can See Poorly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Potty

Marvin Gaye - I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

ABBA - Denture Queen

Tony Orlando - Knock Three Times If You Hear Me Falling

Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Willie Nelson - On The Commode Again


Speaking of Willie, he made a profound statement on the occasion of his recent birthday (75): "I have outlived my dick."

[quote name='traveler' date='Aug 26 2008, 08:58 AM' post='84484']
I just found out that a lot of our old favorite acts have put together a tour coming to a city near you soon. Here's the line-up with some of their best songs modified for our generation:

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

BeeGees - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash I Was Havin' A Flash

Johnny Nash - I Can See Poorly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Potty

Marvin Gaye - I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

ABBA - Denture Queen

Tony Orlando - Knock Three Times If You Hear Me Falling

Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Willie Nelson - On The Commode Again


Speaking of Willie, he made a profound statement on the occasion of his recent birthday (75): "I have outlived my dick."


quote]


That list has been all over the internet for at least a year.

Well, jailbait......this is the first time I have seen it and I'm glad it was posted. Funny stuff! What's old to some is new to others.

a friend told me this one:

You know that you are getting old, when it takes you all night to do what you use to do all night

Copied this web site from the pvscene forum. It is unbelievably good and benefits, not only your brain, but a good cause which is feeding the hungry...and all you have to do is play the game. You can choose the subject and set the levels for play...I'm hooked and I'm a freecell addict.

I'm posting the subjects page...
http://www.freerice.com/subjects.php

I went to the Maskaras clinic today and while I waited outside walked towards the little pharmacy and my eyes popped out! I couldn't believe how many Viagra signs they have posted there!

For you Lori


The Ventriloquist;

A YOUNG VENTRILOQUIST IS TOURING THE CLUBS AND ONE NIGHT HE'S DOING A SHOW IN A SMALL TOWN IN ARKANSAS. WITH HIS DUMMY ON HIS KNEE, HE STARTS GOING THROUGH HIS USUAL DUMB BLOND JOKES WHEN A BLOND WOMAN IN THE 4TH ROW STANDS ON HER CHAIR AND STARTS SHOUTING:
"I'VE HEARD ENOUGH OF YOUR STUPID BLOND JOKES. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN STEREOTYPE WOMEN THAT WAY? WHAT DOES THE COLOR OF A PERSON'S HAIR HAVE TO DO WITH HER WORTH AS A HUMAN BEING? IT'S GUYS LIKE YOU WHO KEEP WOMEN LIKE ME FROM BEING RESPECTED AT WORK AND IN THE COMMUNITY AND FROM REACHING OUR FULL POTENTIAL AS A PERSON. BECAUSE YOU AND YOUR KIND CONTINUE TO PERPETUATE DISCRIMINATION AGAINST NOT ONLY BLONDS, BUT WOMEN IN GENERAL . . . AND ALL IN THE NAME OF HUMOR!"

THE EMBARRASSED VENTRILOQUIST BEGINS TO APOLOGIZE, AND THE BLOND YELLS, "YOU STAY OUT OF THIS MISTER! I'M TALKING TO THAT LITTLE SHIT ON
YOUR LAP. "

Lori, Lori, Lori; You know Viagra doesn't make eyes pop out, don't you?

Well Viagra very well make your eyes pop out RV, it depends if her other half has taken it and what he is doing to her!

I thought Viagra was used for times when something did make your eyes pop out but you were too pooped to participate.

Older than Dirt Quiz
23. Drive In Movies (remember the heaters than hung on the window?)



Correct me if I am wrong on # 23, but wasn't it the "Speaker" that hung on the inside of the window, not a heater. If it was cold, we just had to pull the speaker, on it's cord, into the car and roll up the window. This is how so many of them got pulled off. People would start up their cars (to leave) and forget to replace the speaker, it would rip right off the pole. You were advised if that happened to PLEASE bring the speaker to the "Snack Bar" located in the middle of the property. When we drove in, we would look carefully to see that there was a speaker on the pole we chose.

If we wanted to sit out on lawn chairs, we would pick a pole with only one speaker (the other side would have been ripped off) so we could sit our chairs next to the car. When the Baby got tired, we would lay him in the car seat and we would sit in the lawn chairs, where we could see him.

I know we did not have heaters here in Texas because we had to start the car periodically to warm up. The later it became, the colder it would get and the more we would have to run the car, even though we brought blankets.

When the kids could not find their parents car, they would wander around crying until they found them or the parents heard them. No one usually said anything, because we knew we could not find it either. AlL they normally would be able to describe was "the black one", IF they knew that.

The Snack Bar had open air seating, bathrooms and of course the food. Ours had Hamburgers, Hot Dogs, French Fries, big pickles, ice cream bars, candy bars & POPCORN. They also sold Mosquito Coils, you could light them and they burned slowly to nuke the Texas mosquitos. Probably nuked us too.

Also, do you remember the play grounds. It was always a really NICE big playground right under the screen, so the light from the screen made it bright. No one worried about their kids staying up there for hours at a time. Usually they had to go for money to get snacks, so they would check in. There were chairs for the parents or older kids, that did not want to sit in the car with their parents, right in the front of the playground. You had to watch with your head bent backwards, because the screen was so tall.


Location.
1) When you were a family, you parked close to the Snack Bar so you did not have far to walk to the bathrooms every 1/2 hour. Also, it gave you an advantage when it was intermission and you did not want to be in the back of the LONG LINE. There was an intermission in the middle of each movie and then an intermission, if it was a double header. Don't get in the center, in front of the snack bar, because this is where all the kids ran back and forth to their cars, usually crying.

2) When you were a teenager, you parked in the very back for several reasons. You knew you would want to be "necking" and did not want everyone to ruin it, by walking by. Also, your parents might be there and you did not want them to spy on you. Then there were the boys that shoved as many bodies as possible in the trunk, so they did not have to pay. You could not just park anywhere and everyone see you pile out!

I have so many memories of being the child, teenager and parent at the Drive Inn Movies. Sad, that I won't have memories of being an oldster at the movies too. I would be afraid of being mugged nowdays.

Can you imagine parking in the dark, opening all your windows, having your purse and wallet with you and not expecting to get robbed???? I can't. Not in the DALLAS area.

My guess is that the pharmacy assumes their clientele are nearly blind!

Every generation has it's drug of choice...

....... and apparently, ours was better, slobo

Thanks, that was fun.