Dear Portia

Advice to the Lovelorn the Overfed and the Deeply Disgruntled

 

Old-lady-on-doorstep-with-cigarDear Portia,

HELP!!! I am being stalked by an elderly Brunhilda, who twice daily (when I keep track) lingers at my doorway staring in, mouth agape.  Trust me – this is not a pretty sight!  If, in a wild flight of fantasy I should choose to be stalked, at the very least the stalker would be of the opposite sex, and then preferably a bit more furtive.  As it is, the woman feels free to call in to my little abode when I am on the phone doing business, disrupting my work and freaking out my hound – which further disrupts matters. 

When I suggest that she leave, there is a great slamming of doors, vociferous grumbling, and other aberrant behaviors which defy description.  I live in a tiny fracc, and the population density is intense.  So far I have tried to reason with her, and have resorted to shrieking, both to no avail.  As I said earlier, HELP!

Sincerely, 

Watched Closely

PS:  I had two paranoia screenings with local healers, and they found that I had justifiable concerns—and oddly enough, both referred me on to you!

Dear Watched Closely,

This sounds to me like a classic case of either wish-fulfillment or rapidly-advancing paranoia. You also seem to be suffering from an exalted self-image. Normally, it’s celebrities who are stalked, not lonely little old ladies who have too much time on their hands and not enough good men in their arms.

Not to file too fine a point on this, I think you need to see a shrink. There are no psychiatrists that I know of at Lakeside. There was one, my former estimable colleague here at the Ojo, the late Dr. Roberto Moulun, but given the frankness for which he was famous, I fear he would have simply slapped you silly and told you to stop acting like a crazy bitch.

Now there are, of course, many highly qualified psychiatrists in Guadalajara, but unless you speak Spanish, you need to find a doctor who speaks English. I know of one pitiful woman who spent almost a full year baring her innermost thoughts to a shrink in the Big City only to finally discover that he could not understand a word of English.

Public Service Advisory: Beware of “local healers.” All they ever seem to “heal” are their feeble bank accounts.

 

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